I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
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There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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