Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
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