Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Randomize
