Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
