Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
