my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
