I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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