Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
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I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
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A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
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