We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
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I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
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I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads