I think I died a long time ago.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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