my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra