I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.