matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
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