Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
