Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Randomize