does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
sarcasm needs its own font
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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