I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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