You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
