I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
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