I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Randomize
