connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
In other news, I just burned my penis
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Randomize
