Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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