dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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