I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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