Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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