i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
