Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
