May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
