You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
