i think my tv is drunk
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
