Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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