respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
