did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
