According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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