You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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