My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
false alarm, still single
Randomize
