so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
