OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
