Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
