Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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