I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
