I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
