Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
