just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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