tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
