I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
