Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Randomize
