So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Better not shit yourself at the gym.