I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
27 Unforgettable Hookup Texts
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
19 Groupies Confess What It’s Really Like To Hook Up With Famous Rockstars
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman