I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?