Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
