Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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