i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
