I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
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