you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Randomize
