they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
