so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
