i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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