Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
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